Couples Counseling

The bond we share with our partner is a powerful force, capable of both causing harm and fostering healing. After our relationships with our parents, the connection with our partner is one of the most important in our lives. As social beings, humans have thrived because of our ability to connect and bond with one another. Not long ago, being disconnected or rejected by our family or community could have meant death, as survival was nearly impossible on our own. Today, when we feel distant from our partner, our brain perceives this disconnection as a threat, triggering panic signals that suggest we are in danger. It’s no wonder that conflicts between couples often spark intense emotions and past wounds, locking them into negative patterns that feel overwhelming. In many ways, couples are fighting for their emotional survival.

Couples often fall into a familiar cycle, where one partner pursues while the other withdraws. At the heart of these conflicts are deeper emotional needs — the desire to be understood, seen, supported, and loved. Beneath the anger, hurt, and silence, partners are quietly asking each other:

Are you there for me?
Can I trust you?
Can you hold my pain?

When you begin couples therapy, your therapist will first take the time to understand both of you and the dynamics at play in your relationship. Your therapist may ask about your family history, current stressors, recurring conflicts, past wounds, desires, and emotional needs. Together, you will explore the negative patterns that are keeping you stuck. You will uncover your emotions — both the more obvious feelings that are easier to express and the deeper, more vulnerable ones that may lie beneath the surface. Throughout your sessions, you will practice new ways to communicate, connect, and strengthen your bond.

There are certain situations where Couples Therapy, specifically through the lens of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, may not be the most suitable approach for a couple. These include:

• If there is physical, emotional, sexual, or financial abuse in the relationship, and one or both partners do not feel safe.

• If one or both partners are unsure about staying in the relationship long enough to truly commit to couples therapy.

• If one or both partners are unwilling to attend therapy or feel pressured to be there.

• If one or both partners are not open to making emotional connections.

• If there is ongoing infidelity and the partner involved in the affair is unwilling to end it.

• If one or both partners are struggling with substance abuse and are not actively seeking help, as substances are hindering the connection in the relationship.

While Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy may not be the best fit for every couple, it is most effective when both partners are ready to do deep emotional work, committed to making changes, and invested in the process. Couples therapy can be challenging, but the reward of a loving, thriving relationship is well worth the effort. You and your partner can increase your chances of success by:

• Attending weekly couples counseling sessions.

• Being open and honest with each other and with your therapist.

• Seeking individual therapy if there are personal mental health concerns.

• Committing the time, energy, and financial resources necessary for therapy to be effective.

• Prioritizing your therapy appointments and each other.

• Focusing on changing yourself, rather than your partner, and taking responsibility for your part in the relationship.

• Keeping an open mind, taking risks, and trying new ways of listening, understanding, and interacting with each other both in and outside of sessions.

• Completing any homework assignments given by your therapist.

• Showing respect for one another.

You will know you're making progress in couples therapy when:

• You can view the patterns in your relationship through a lens of empathy and compassion, both for yourself and your partner.

• You recognize when you and your partner are falling into old patterns and can pause and shift direction before things escalate.

• You are able to express your emotions and needs to your partner in a way that doesn’t trigger or upset them.

• You can listen to your partner's emotions and needs without feeling blamed or defensive.

• You take responsibility for your part in the dynamic.

• You gain new insights and a deeper understanding of both your partner and yourself.

• You are able to see your partner's good intentions and trust that they are doing their best.

• You have forgiven each other for past hurts, mistakes, and betrayals.

• You can engage in healthy disagreements and work through challenges as a team.

• You feel trust, safety, and security in the relationship.

• You experience a renewed sense of love, admiration, attraction, and appreciation for your partner.

• You feel confident and optimistic about the future of your relationship.